Protected: deja vu

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they pass much faster than you can fathom. sort of like a handful of sand that you try so hard to grasp, but each grain seems intent on leaving your hand. but the memories… at least they have the courtesy to leave some evidence that they were there…even if its just that light dust. or the sensation that there was something grainy in your hand.

7 years.

Every year, a different sensation… from robot-mode, to disbelief. to anger. to celebration. to numbness. to resignation. to profound loss.

this year – the sensation is of profound loss.

7. the number of completion. of a mandate fulfilled.

i don’t know what that mean – whether it means the grieving ends and the livign begins? hard pill to swallow because that would have meant that for 7 years i wasnt living. but im not fully sure that i was – maybe just existing…going with the flow and through the motions, of obligation, of expectation, of comfort zones.

I know there is more – and that he wanted so much more for me.

So tonight – i will grieve. and i will cry. and these tears will mark the completion of sorrowful, masked existence. of not pursuing abundance. of not loving me. of not living.

And tomorrow.

It begins.


already known

have you ever known the question that you need to ask, to get the answer that you already have but really do not want to know?

have you ever wondered if you have the guts? If you are ready to deal with the answer…and before that, to deal with the frantic back and forth in your mind and in your heart…what if the answer is EXACTLY the same as the writing on the wall and the feeling in my gut?

have you ever feared the truth? despite the fact that the same truth has been promised to se you free! and inevitably, once truth comes, with its rapid sting, and trembling hands and pounding heart… you realize that you now can make the choice to be truly truly free…

And how does it even make sense that when we have the choice and the option to be free, we chose to remain shackled and entangled and paralysed and confused and hopeful and blind and ignorant and kind…

Well, I am now seeking to deliberately be free! to deliberately seek answers to questions that must be asked! To have conversations that have been scripted and etched on walls, but postponed for very misguided reasons. And I am choosing to establish and understand exactly where I am, where I stand, how I got here and what was the lesson in this season!

Funny thing, the answer, the question, the truth and the choice…they are nothing new… just a whole bunch of grown up things that I had already known!


staying at the center!

in the midst of a relatively productive morning, a fleeting, but profound thought came to me.

It is so easy to slip out of a space of contentment, or self-reflection, of self-love, or humility at the recognition that His grace and mercy are always always always surrounding me and overwhelming me. The temptation to compare myself with others, their accomplishments, milestones and so much more…is heavy.

But then I remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:14), and that my steps are ordered (Ps 37:23) and that His plan for me is good, perfect and pleasing (Rom 12:2).

So…I choose JOY! I choose GROWTH! I choose GRACE! I choose the JOURNEY! I choose TRUST, FAITH and a SURRENDERED heart! I choose to be at the CENTER of His PRESENCE!


over (feeling)

Someone asked me the other day, why I have not blogged for some time. i told them that I had been busy, travelling, working, family-ing, being in the moment…bla bla bla.

As I spoke.. the inside thoughts that have been silenced and that of late, have converted themselves into unexpected pools of water, began to run around my heart and mind until finally…it hit me.  I have not written for a while..not in my journal, not in letters, not on this blog…because I am over-feeling.

IMG_20151216_115907.jpg2015 has been a year of the most intense emotions, realisations, thoughts, accomplishments and disappointments, pains and joys, laughs and tears! And it is practically impossible to put them all into words, so why bother trying right? WRONG!

I will not be able to capture every emotion, but I promise to capture and express and share the lessons!

2014 was #purposeunfolding; 2015 the year of #permissiontoBE and with that came the process of allowing myself to not succeed in EVERYTHING..to fail, to lose, to hurt, to cry, to love when not loved, but most of all, to pick myself up and make some choices for ME for 2016.

2016 …my year of #LovingGodLovingME!

Sounds so simple… and almost cliche, but this is probably the toughest thing/ perspective I have ever decided to commit to. Pourquoi? Because this one involves the action of LOVE!

ˈ/ləviNG/, (noun) – the demonstration of love or great care

LOVING GOD! What does it actually take to love HIM, my maker, creator, lover of my soul, Giver of Grace, King of Kings and Lord of Lords…and He who loves me unconditionally? It’s not about a laundry list… that I know for sure, but its about waking up every morning to “whatsapp”, chat with and check in with HIM, commit it ALL to HIM, hang out with HIM, listen to HIM and love on HIM!



LOVING ME! When did I stop loving me, to the point that 2016 would have to be a year of getting back to the place where I put me first (after God)…make the right choices for ME, be unapologetic about what is good and best for ME, recognise that I can not love others if I do not love ME, invest in ME (body, spirit and soul)?

Today is the first Monday of 2016…. today, I get started on a perspective that like the previous 2…I pray will last with me FOREVER! And I promise to try and dedicate abit more time to sharing what I learn and how I grow and how I LOVE!



today is harder than yesterday, and harder than the day before.

today marks a week…and today i realised that even in that one week… i have failed to take care of me. failed to keep my promise to me. failed to listen to me. failed to love me.

status quo is sooo much easier. but this is not a season of status quo anything… this is a season of acceleration, of certainty, of purpose, of priority and of growth. So I will not and cannot and must not shortchange myself or sabotage the season.

today i apologise to me… and i am going to allow myself to be the priority.
today I speak the truth to me…and to anyone that sees this somewhat private public space…it hurts like hell, i feel like s&%^ and that is ok.
today I reassure myself… no matter what happens, I will be just fine! His promises continue to be Yea and Amen, His plan for you is good perfect and pleasing; Nothing can separate you from the love of God.
today I choose ME! today I nurture ME! today I focus on ME! today I put ME first! today I love ME!


a perfect word for the bleh and numbness

Was not a good night, nor has it been a great day. But strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow, wisdom to just be still and see came from Papa…right on time, in today’s devotion. My Papa does not always expect me to be bouncing off the walls, giddy and happy… sometimes the world can baffle, numb and really pull a 180…but He still has my back! Irrespective of what the world and its people throw at me, He still calls me His daughter, a princess, an heir with Christ; He still has a plan that is beautiful, perfect and pleasing, He still is interested in the minute details… and He is still crazy about spending time with me and speaking to me. This is from this morning’s devotion:

“Sit quietly in my presence while i bless you. Make your mind still like a pool of water, ready to receive whatever thoughts I drop into it. Rest in my sufficiency as you consider the challenges this day presents. Do not wear yourself out by worrying about whether you can cope with the pressures. Keep looking to me and communicating with me as we walk through this day together. 

Take time to rest by the wayside, for I am not in a hurry. A leisurely pace accomplishes more than hurried striving. When you rush, you forget who you are and Whose you are. Remember that you are royalty in my Kingdom