release

365

talentqueen — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:38:49 +0000

365 days of a dream or is it a living nightmare so real that I pinch myself and sadly, still do not wake up.

365 days of a new identity that I never wished to have and prayed fervently against. A sense of limbo and unbelonging – orphaned in my heart way too soon.

365 days of half expectancy and half reality…waiting to hear you call my name, waiting to see your face and smell your aftershave.

365 days of stumbling uncertainty in the world that you navigated sith such ease and which you were supposed to walk me through.

365 days of depicting strength and composure, responsibility and understanding.

365 days of stifled screams and wandering thoughts, specific deja-vus and emptiness.

365 days of excruciating pain and loss

365 days of unfulfilled and unrealised grief knowing that there will be many more 365 days like these ahead.

365 days of answerless questions

365 days of life without you.

i miss you papa…it doesn’t hurt any less, and it still isnt easy. but im trying to manage and trying to deal and allowing myself to feel the pain and in the sting remember that its because I loved you and was loved by you that it hurts like this.

RIP James Mungai Gachui -25 March 1948 – 16 Dec 2010

make you feel my love

talentqueen — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 22:27:15 +0000

honest declaration of love… practical desire to do what you can to ensure that the other person is happy and well…thats what love means to me!

When the rain Is blowing in your face
And the whole world Is on your case
I could offer you A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows And the stars appear
And there is no – one there To dry your tears
I could hold you For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you Haven’t made Your mind up yet
But I would never Do you wrong
I’ve known it From the moment That we met
No doubt in my mind Where you belong

I’d go hungry I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling Down the avenue
Know there’s nothing That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change Are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing Like me yet

I could make you happy Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love,
To make you feel my love

BOB DYLAN via Adele!

un-anticipation

talentqueen — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 04:51:53 +0000

slow fire burning in the hearth of my heart

i feel your warmth…at least i think its coming from you. A semblance of familiarity, yet its fresh and exciting and unknown…and it snuck up on me.. i am not usually one for surprises, but when I close my eyes and think of you, i wonder why there is a kaleidoscope of possibilities that i had never noticed, just chilling right there behind my eyelids…an entire universe unexplored and brimming with potential of where we could go. WE… that was never a sound that i heard in my ears, and yet in tandem with the fluttering butterfly wings, i think i hear a new song, a symphony of a very happy maybe…

Maybe i like the way it felt to walk down the street that chilly autumn night with my hand in yours. Maybe i like the way it sounds when you talk to me and say my name and finish with a tender embrace…heartfelt and genuine, tentative and respectful, chocolate caramel yumyum. maybe i like the way my pulse switched gears and how my heart smiled inside when that thing you said made me think…maybe you feel it too?

Un-anticipation…dont know what tomorrow will bring… dont wanna read too much into it…just wanna sit and watch the paint dry as the Master works on this fresno…and kinda hope that maybe in it…there will be a hint of you and me and the memories we are yet to create.

fruits and liver soup

talentqueen — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 07:37:23 +0000

Feels like yesterday,we were sitting having your mid morning fruits..kiwi,banana, papaya and some grapes.
We were talking about nothing in particular but everything in principal.
I had to go down and make your liver soup…you really didn’t like liver soup but it was the only way your blood count would be high enough for ‘the treatment’.
If I made it and sat to eat it with you, you would eat it…it was so nasty, but we laughed and ate.
Your counts were good.your ‘treatment’ went well.
I’d give anything to eat liver soup with you again.

Order my steps

talentqueen — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 09:25:30 +0000

When I asked you to ‘Order my steps’…maybe i was thinking that we would take a walk together along MY path and that when the difficulties creeped up on me…you would sort things out…..
But now i know that thats not what it means to ask you to ‘Order my steps’…

You give the ORDER and set the path…you’ve got the road all MAPPED out, and as Im quickly learning and loving….the path that you have set out is SO not the path that I was about to take…and yours is SO much better! I can’t wait to see the next stage of this JOURNEY…can’t wait to reach the final DESTINATION…

So my prayer for today….

” Humbly I ask thee teach me your will ,
While you are working help me be still
Satan is busy God is real
Order my steps in your word
Please, order my steps in your word “

promise

talentqueen — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 22:29:32 +0000

Make me a promise you will never be able to keep.
Tell me you will be here with me forever and that this moment is but a glimpse of eternity.
Show me the possibilities, teach me how to smile from my soul; take me to the edge of the cliff…hold my hand, “on your marks..get set…go!”

Help me forget the past, the present truth and the future..
Lets only focus on this moment… selah… savor it ..who knows whether we will ever have it again.

In a flash, in a look, in a feeling and with an eternal circle and sacramental vow, this moment has become illegal, impractical, insensitive, impossible…yet still irresistible

Look at me once more..
Look straight into my eyes, pretend that you do not see into my heart…

please act like you don’t know, act like you don’t feel it too…because if you don’t, I may ask you to keep the promise you should never have made.

23/7/2011

calling it as it is…

talentqueen — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 13:46:57 +0000

Toni Braxton, in her comeback album, has a song called ‘ I wanna be your baby’..she has just spoken my heart…yaaani! Its a risk…its vulnerability at its core…its where I am at right now…its scary!

I’m gonna put it out there. Lay it on the line. And even if it breaks my heart. I’m giving it a try.
Not waiting fot tomorrow confessing it today
So baby here it goes I’m out of time. It’s do or die.

I wanna be your baby …Won’t you be my man? I wanna be you soldier …When you’re too weak to stand.
I wanna be your baby, Be the end of your day. Forever in your life Forever by your side Forever I’ll stand

I’m hanging on a thread, I don’t care if I fall.
But I ain’t gonna fall even though I don’t know if you feel me at all
I’m ready to be right or wrong with you, ready for my heart to win or lose.
I’m ready to give all I’ve got to you. Boy, I want you to know……

So I am saying I love you. Ain’t holdin nothing back.
And I’m saying I want you I want you to call my name.
And I wait on you forever. And I promise that. cuz I Love you.
I love and

knowing

talentqueen — Sat, 26 Feb 2011 13:38:51 +0000

i think i finally realise that i now know that it really happened.

i didn’t say i believed it, but now i can say that i know. i know that it hurts. i know that it sucks. i know that i feel lost and angry and abandoned. i know that i feel overwhelmed, disappointed and cheated. i know that i want to cry and can’t cry as often as i wish i could. i know that i need to take care of me. i know that i do not fully know how to…but that i have to try.

i know that life has not been the same and it never will be. i know that i need to move along…not move on..just move along and face tomorrow and know that my daddy is still my daddy and always will be.

knowing means acting. means getting things moving. putting and executing plans. waking up and smelling the coffee. hitting the road running and doing everything to make a difference!

knowing is scary…

knowing is necessary…

knowing is healing…

by your side

talentqueen — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 13:27:09 +0000

I wish I could be by your side.
Wish I could sit and see your face and listen to you and talk business with you and learn from you.
I wish I could be by your side just one more time.
Wish I could hear your wisdom even in silence, wish I could hear your laughter and feel the warmth in your heart.
I wish by your side I could be forever so that more of you could rub off on me. So that you could hold my hand and guide me through the things that are about to come… The tough business decisions, the exciting opportunities that need calculated and careful risk. The silly boy stories, the golf games, the trips…the cruise we were supposed to go on.
I wish you could give me one more hug and whisper ‘hi angie’ and tell me you are proud of me without saying a word.

I wish that it wasn’t your graveside that I was sitting by right now…
And I wish I wasn’t so selfish…because I know that you have attained peace perfect peace, the ultimate promotion, total salvation and healing that is eternal!

I miss you …plain and simple.
I wish you were here
But you are here in my heart and in my soul forever.
I just wish you would speak to me…I wish I could hear you… I wish I could feel you… I wish you weren’t so far and so silent

I wish I didn’t miss you so much.

numb

talentqueen — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 08:33:10 +0000

I’ve lived through many a winter day and winter night and wondered whether the dreaded season would ever end. Funny how before I was stuck with her…winter seemed to be this mysterious, magical and romantic character. I’d heard how during winter the nights got so quiet that you could literally hear the icicles forming on the branches and that the snowflakes sometimes fell in slow motion, sort of performing an intimate dance to a rhapsody that nobody else could hear. I’d heard that during winter, marshmallows floated in hot chocolate and fires (wood or electric) blazed in fire places and people snuggled closer to one another to share blankets and share their hearts.
They were not wrong…winter is all these things, and definitely did not disappoint.

But winter is also hard and angry and biting. It is the hardest and most nerve racking experience driving in winter. The storms are angry and blow feircely, and if the sand trucks haven’t come by to de-ice the road, then its quite perilous. Winter can also be sad and mournful and numbing. Something about not being exposed to real sunlight for an extended period of time, just makes life less full and hardly exciting and definitely not vibrant.

so today, when I felt it, I recognized it. Today I felt that kind of numbing winter in my belly.

There’s a numbness spreading, strangely I can feel it. It started almost consciously. “If I numb myself then I wont feel and then I will be able to deal with each and everything that comes my way…I needed to be strong for them, for everyone else…” and this time, it wasn’t even an idea or ideal that I cooked up in my head…a very distinct phone call came that told me that I needed to be strong for everyone else. So there was that niggling voice that came in and in the frailest way possible, wanted to ask…what about me? Who is going to be strong for me and take care of me? But that was quickly hushed away… sura ya kazi on and the emotions were carefully folded away until I was able to steal a few moments to myself.

And then the routine begins and soon, the numbness becomes the norm, until something outside of the norm…like an out of place and incomprehensible phrase is uttered, that jostles you back to reality. The reality being that…all is not well. But EVERYONE knows that you absolutely CANNOT show that the blip in the matrix has stumped you (that was in lesson 8 of Deal with It 101).
So back to the routine you go…back to the numbness that now becomes your pulse…back to the unknown.

Back to the questions and the what ifs and the frantic yet covert, google searches for alternatives.
Back to fighting back tears and hiding trembling voices.
Back to the stages of denial and pretentious ‘busy-ness’…too busy to go back to the reality. … Reality is that you, like me…are scared to pieces about how helpless you feel..

So helpless that you don’t even know what to do with the sputtering of clichés that your belly knows are God’s truths. Hate to admit it, but we know that His will is indeed His will and that will never change! And that His will, very seldom is the same as our will! And that His will is often very clearly heard…if it weren’t for the clanging noise that happens to be our will, plus the ga-zillion other possibilities we try and suggest to the almighty God!

And this is when it hits me that that weird thing about numbing cold, is the burning fire right at the center of the numb. Few people recognize it…its usually masked by the nerves and the tingles. But in actual fact, it is the self-defensive/ protective mechanism that we are given to fight the winter. Possibly the only time when you, or your heart, or your soul is expected to focus on self combustion.

It’s the fire of the memories and the plans that you talked about making memories.
It’s the burning of the energy and passion that you get when you think about how alive you feel!
It’s the bubbling inside that gets you ready to rally EVERYONE around you towards the cause that will ensure that the winter thinks REALLY hard and long before coming out to do more than bring magic, mystery and romance.

Today I felt the numbing winter in my belly. Tonight I embrace the burning fire and I choose to love it…hot, charged and alive!