she has his hands

16 months ago, I held his hands for the last time on a day like this.

That morning when we went in to say good morning, he looked much better than the night before. I had no clue it was his last day. I had no way of knowing that the next time I held his hands, they would be cold and lifeless.

those hands are present in so many milestones in my life.
They held me at birth…they changed my diapers, fed and burped me.
They held me as i took my first steps, picked me up when i fell.
they steadied me when i learned to ride my bike.
They tied my shoe-laces.
Playfully but daringly tossed me around in the pool as I learned to swim.
They checked my homework
They pinched me when I was not so sugar and spice and all things nice.
Those hands twirled me as we danced around in the house
Those hands poured my first glass of wine
Those hands held me gently, and spoke words of pride, approval and called out beauty..
Those hands REALLY taught me how to drive.
Those hands carried my luggage into my dorm room when I went away for school.
They typed endless emails and skype chats.
They sent text messages and forwarded words of prayer and wisdom.
Those hands proudly held my diploma and gown when I graduated
Those hands.. taught me how to pray.

She has his hands…or more appropriately, he had her hands.

We sat with her yesterday…she doesn’t remember much, but she laughs with everything that she has. She jokes and plays and she has his hands.
She looks at us and she comes alive.
She knows we are connected to her eldest son.
She knows we are connected to her.
I held her hands.
I kissed her hands.
They are wrinkled and riddled with arthritis…but they are beautiful.

‘Eddah! Have you ever put nail polish on her? June! Let’s put nail polish on her fingers..make them beautiful!”
We laughed…she laughed…we played, and in that moment she was young and happy and carefree.

She has his hands…
I miss his hands.

RIP Papa…tu me manques!

Look…Sound familiar?

Imagine knowing the end of a story.
Every time you sit down to watch a critical match, knowing for certain who the victor will be. Every time you watch a movie, knowing which way the plot will twist and turn to end up in happily ever after or tragedy.
Imagine knowing whether that relationship will end well or not, irrespective of the tensions and arguments, the highs and lows.
Imagine that the author of a much awaited trilogy sends the main actor for dinner with you and he tells you straight up… I will be back!

Then imagine not believing it! Kinda silly isnt it?

Today I re-read the resurrection story in Luke, first with the recount of the Last Supper and then on to Ch24, where Christ is risen, and the women have an amazing encounter with the angels who affirm what they believed…that the Christ is Risen. Then I got to a part that I had never really paid attention to, where Cleopas and Simon are on the Road to Emmaus, and they encounter Christ…who made it so that they could not recognize Him (v16). But as they spoke, he recounted every single piece of scripture pertaining to Himself…that still wasn’t enough….they did not hear Him in that voice (v27).
But here is the most amazing thing…it was when they sat at the table with Christ and He broke the bread (v30-31), that their eyes were open. And they asked themselves “..were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us on the road and opened the Scriptures to us? v32″

How many times do we have Christ present with us and not recognize Him? Even when He appears to us as ‘the least of our brothers’ have we missed the opportunity to minister and worship our Lord? When He speaks to us clearly through His living word, whether directly in our quiet time or through others and even ensures that we get confirmation of what He has said…do we hear him, or do we put it aside as ‘our own thoughts’, a great idea, an interesting interpretation of scripture.

Will we wait for the bread to be broken again, in order for us to recognize our Savior?
Will we wait again for the Body of Christ to be broken again, in order for us to recognize our Savior?
Will I wait again for the Body of Christ to be broken again in order for me to recognize my Savior?

Papa!!! I know that You would do it all over again, for only one more to come into the knowledge of Christ…that’s how much You love us…but Papa…for those of us who know You and who have heard and understood the ultimate sacrifice and the demonstration of the greatest love there is…I pray that we would no longer take Your gift and Your presence for granted.
I pray that we would be so keen to get to know You, spending time with You intimately throughout the day, that we will see You when You grace us with Your presence, we will know Your voice when you speak and unvell Your mysteries and instead of recognizing You when Your body breaks…we will look forward to the celebration feast as we help others come into the knowledge of You

skyline

I’m at what is possibly the highest point in the city…overlooking the twinkling lights and still homes, rushing cars and enveloped by the soothing sounds of more strings than I can count, the rhythmic interplay of the bass and the drums and the distinct movements of graceful Rwandese sisters to a chakacha beat.

Its not one of those moments that are overly inspirational…though I have thought a lot about the city, its mysteries and the secret treasures that it seems to hold from up here…and how different the reality is down there…thats what our life is isnt it??
Its not one of those moments that are overly emotional… though I do count myself blessed to enjoy such simple gifts on a more frequent basis than your average passerby downstairs
It’s not a once in a lifetime moment… though it probably would be if you were sitting here with me, not saying a word as we both mutually create memories that will be indelibly etched in our minds…in a song with no words…
Its not one of those ‘Im on top of the world’ …although there is a sense of considerable conquest once you have climbed up the perilous spiral staircase in these shoes.

What it is…is liberating..and in response, the crowd is spontaneously getting up and dancing, clapping and laughing…music does that

What it is ..is quite cold…but thankfully I am in that sweater dress that I wore that night and in that white trench coat that I want to walk down the street in, as you hold my hand.

It is art, it is passion, it is love, it is anger, it is hunger, it is every form of and shape and sound of experience of life that the artist has gone through all wrapped into this one night, on this rooftop, under this tent, looking out on this city and wondering why this man who is reading this and who i love so much ..is not here with me

365

365 days of a dream or is it a living nightmare so real that I pinch myself and sadly, still do not wake up.

365 days of a new identity that I never wished to have and prayed fervently against. A sense of limbo and unbelonging – orphaned in my heart way too soon.

365 days of half expectancy and half reality…waiting to hear you call my name, waiting to see your face and smell your aftershave.

365 days of stumbling uncertainty in the world that you navigated sith such ease and which you were supposed to walk me through.

365 days of depicting strength and composure, responsibility and understanding.

365 days of stifled screams and wandering thoughts, specific deja-vus and emptiness.

365 days of excruciating pain and loss

365 days of unfulfilled and unrealised grief knowing that there will be many more 365 days like these ahead.

365 days of answerless questions

365 days of life without you.

 

i miss you papa…it doesn’t hurt any less, and it still isnt easy. but im trying to manage and trying to deal and allowing myself to feel the pain and in the sting remember that its because I loved you and was loved by you that it hurts like this.

RIP James Mungai Gachui -25 March 1948 – 16 Dec 2010

make you feel my love

honest declaration of love… practical desire to do what you can to ensure that the other person is happy and well…thats what love means to me!

When the rain Is blowing in your face
And the whole world Is on your case
I could offer you A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows And the stars appear
And there is no – one there To dry your tears
I could hold you For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you Haven’t made Your mind up yet
But I would never Do you wrong
I’ve known it From the moment That we met
No doubt in my mind Where you belong

I’d go hungry I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling Down the avenue
Know there’s nothing That I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change Are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing Like me yet

I could make you happy Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love,
To make you feel my love 

BOB DYLAN via Adele!

un-anticipation

slow fire burning in the hearth of my heart

i feel your warmth…at least i think its coming from you. A semblance of familiarity, yet its fresh and exciting and unknown…and it snuck up on me.. i am not usually one for surprises, but when I close my eyes and think of you, i wonder why there is a kaleidoscope of possibilities that i had never noticed, just chilling right there behind my eyelids…an entire universe unexplored and brimming with potential of where we could go. WE… that was never a sound that i heard in my ears, and yet in tandem with the fluttering butterfly wings, i think i hear a new song, a symphony of a very happy maybe…

Maybe i like the way it felt to walk down the street that chilly autumn night with my hand in yours. Maybe i like the way it sounds when you talk to me and say my name and finish with a tender embrace…heartfelt and genuine, tentative and respectful, chocolate caramel yumyum. maybe i like the way my pulse switched gears and how my heart smiled inside when that thing you said made me think…maybe you feel it too?

Un-anticipation…dont know what tomorrow will bring… dont wanna read too much into it…just wanna sit and watch the paint dry as the Master works on this fresno…and kinda hope that maybe in it…there will be a hint of you and me and the memories we are yet to create.

fruits and liver soup

Feels like yesterday,we were sitting having your mid morning fruits..kiwi,banana, papaya and some grapes.
We were talking about nothing in particular but everything in principal.
I had to go down and make your liver soup…you really didn’t like liver soup but it was the only way your blood count would be high enough for ‘the treatment’.
If I made it and sat to eat it with you, you would eat it…it was so nasty, but we laughed and ate.
Your counts were good.your ‘treatment’ went well.
I’d give anything to eat liver soup with you again.

Order my steps

When I asked you to ‘Order my steps’…maybe i was thinking that we would take a walk together along MY path and that when the difficulties creeped up on me…you would sort things out…..
But now i know that thats not what it means to ask you to ‘Order my steps’…

You give the ORDER and set the path…you’ve got the road all MAPPED out, and as Im quickly learning and loving….the path that you have set out is SO not the path that I was about to take…and yours is SO much better! I can’t wait to see the next stage of this JOURNEY…can’t wait to reach the final DESTINATION…

So my prayer for today….

” Humbly I ask thee teach me your will ,
While you are working help me be still
Satan is busy God is real
Order my steps in your word
Please, order my steps in your word “

promise

Make me a promise you will never be able to keep.
Tell me you will be here with me forever and that this moment is but a glimpse of eternity.
Show me the possibilities, teach me how to smile from my soul; take me to the edge of the cliff…hold my hand, “on your marks..get set…go!”

Help me forget the past, the present truth and the future..
Lets only focus on this moment… selah… savor it ..who knows whether we will ever have it again.

In a flash, in a look, in a feeling and with an eternal circle and sacramental vow, this moment has become illegal, impractical, insensitive, impossible…yet still irresistible

Look at me once more..
Look straight into my eyes, pretend that you do not see into my heart…

please act like you don’t know, act like you don’t feel it too…because if you don’t, I may ask you to keep the promise you should never have made.

23/7/2011

calling it as it is…

Toni Braxton, in her comeback album, has a song called ‘ I wanna be your baby’..she has just spoken my heart…yaaani! Its a risk…its vulnerability at its core…its where I am at right now…its scary!

I’m gonna put it out there. Lay it on the line. And even if it breaks my heart. I’m giving it a try.
Not waiting fot tomorrow confessing it today
So baby here it goes I’m out of time. It’s do or die.

I wanna be your baby …Won’t you be my man? I wanna be you soldier …When you’re too weak to stand.
I wanna be your baby, Be the end of your day. Forever in your life Forever by your side Forever I’ll stand

I’m hanging on a thread, I don’t care if I fall.
But I ain’t gonna fall even though I don’t know if you feel me at all
I’m ready to be right or wrong with you, ready for my heart to win or lose.
I’m ready to give all I’ve got to you. Boy, I want you to know……

So I am saying I love you. Ain’t holdin nothing back.
And I’m saying I want you I want you to call my name.
And I wait on you forever. And I promise that. cuz I Love you.
I love and

I wanna be your baby …Won’t you be my man? I wanna be you soldier …When you’re too weak to stand.
I wanna be your baby, Be the end of your day. Forever in your life Forever by your side Forever I’ll stand