22
Oct
09

A new idea!

over the weekend, I took some time to go through old ‘backup’ CDs from my computer back in Uni, and I found soooo much music that I was sure I had lost forever! In addition to the heavy nostalgia of live performances with Goodfoot, and the Western Idol competition etc, I found a song by a very very very talented guy called Damian Marvay! Amazing how deep these lyrics are…and how relevant they are…hmmmm

If i could talk to you for a minute,

Say what I feel for you, would you hear me?

Coz I, I’ve been racking my brain.

Since last we spoke, I’ve been thinking

Something has made me turn around im such a clown

I know that I’m faking, but now I know this was all in the making


It’s like a new idea, since you came my way

It’s like a new idea, and now Im drowning insane

It’s like a new idea and now I have so much pain

It’s like a new idea… so bright

Just when Im feeling low and things are getting heavy

you grab me by the arm and tell me dont be silly

cos you, you have so much faith in me

Then amidst all the clouds, some brightness tries to peek out

It takes away the weight the fear and my doubt

And I , I can see so clearly now

[Chorus]

05
Oct
09

Breathe Again

I think that there is a very fine line between honesty and vulnerability.
Vulnerability is one of those traits that most independent, opinionated, strong and driven individuals absolutely abhor! and yet it is the thing that makes us human!?

Accepting to be vulnerable and more importantly…allowing others to see that vulnerability has been one of the top things on my list of ‘NEVER-DOs’! Effectively, I realised that I haven’t really been breathing for a while.

My last deep breath, like 2 months ago has quickly been running out and Im no longer sure that the impending explosion and break down, is worth maintaining the Iron Woman facade.
And so…I am slowly letting my breath out and allowing myself to come up..gasp for air…cry (just to flush out the stale tears in my ducts of course).. and learn how to breathe again.
This time, it’s for real and it’s for good.
Breathe EQUALS Life…and that’s what I’m finally going to embrace… LIVING!

30
Sep
09

at the end of the day….

learning never stops! every day has a new lesson, you just chose to notice it and take advantage of it, or not.

Kenyans are addicted to learning and diplomas and certificates and higher national diplomas and MBAs and numerous other qualifications that are intended to add some value to their already overly qualified CVs (@BM…yes I said it out loud!) The hunt for knowledge and what that knowledge will translate to in ‘real life’ (mostly in terms of money or position/ status) is usually top-of-mind for most people. What I’m learning however, is that the more important lessons…the life lessons that will forever change us, are usually brushed aside and inevitably therefore, we find ourselves going through the same stuff over and over again… like a bad dream full of deja-vus of deja-vus.

The last two months have been an exercise in building up my very own personal Encyclopedia Kenya-nica of learning, experience, lessons and realities. They have most definitely not been easy nor pleasant nor expected but at the end of the day if I have learned nothing, then it was all in vain.

At the end of the day… Life is a blessing. The life of a loved one being protected, spared and renewed is the ultimate gift from a God who wants me to know that what matters is a life that is totally committed and aligned to His will. Funny how when that reality checked in, gadgets, cars, job and (gasp…dare I say it) even brand spanking-new-shoes; suddenly became mere accessories that allowed me to walk around lost…but looking good.

At the end of the day…. you are not perfect…no matter how close to perfection you try and get, one day you will make the wrong decision, mess up, make a huge mistake, disappoint someone….the list is endless. And its a hard pill to swallow, especially when you are not used to walking around shame-faced, tail between your legs! But the greatest triumph is the Triple A Threat -

  • Acknowledgement – Step up to the plate…you know you were wrong,
  • Apology – Swallow your pride, say those three magic words ‘I am Sorry’ and most importantly… mean it
  • Act – Pick yourself up and get moving, do what you need to do to rectify the situation

At the end of the day…people are NOT the same! I know…that one sounds like such a ‘duh’ statement, but be honest. How many times have you compared him to him? How many times have you wished that your assistant would work like so and so’s assistant? Or worse still, how many times have you been compared to somebody else’s daughter, sister, employee, friend….yeah! IT TOTALLY SUCKS! So how about you stop doing it too! After all, variety is the spice of life!

At the end of the day…love…love…you gotta ask…what is love really? Is it the series of warm fuzzy feelings you get when s/he is just close enough for you to…? Is it the unstoppable grin that creeps up on your face when you get a text message, email or see that number on your caller-ID? Is it talking for hours into the night? Having a conversation across a room without saying a word? Or is it not being able to sleep because he is not near you and he is not feeling well? Is it not saying I told you so when you know he done messed up and you need to manage the situation and change your plans? Is it being willing, available and able to work 18hour days to help him out on that thing that he is sooo passionate about? Is it wanting to do whatever you can do to make sure he is fine, and happy and never has to hurt again? Is it being able to let go, and let God do what he needs to do…and if you get to be together eventually …then so be it? At the end of the day…love is the ultimate sacrifice and the toughest thing to do! Ask God…He knows all about it

At the end of the day…these ramblings are just ramblings if I don’t carry these lessons with me. So the next time you see me walking around with a huge bag…its more than just my fashionista tendencies checking in…maybe I’ve got some more studying to do!

13
Jul
09

Lesson Learned

When did I get to this place where I allowed my sense of worth to be determined by you? When did I become the she who allows a he to not show up, not respect her enough to call, think that she lives and breathes daily in wait for one smidgen of attention in her direction…and still talk to him? How did the confidence, self worth and psalm 139 understanding wither away so suddenly to the point where validation was sought from you as opposed to Mungu? Why is this numbing cold rising from my feet through my vein sending a chill through my heart and bringing the hottest tears to my heart?

How can I possibly be waiting for hours and days and weeks and months for you to be a man…a human at a minimum…? how can I be so calm and daft sitting here waiting patiently for the time when we can have it out?
How come I haven’t broken that door down and allowed the banks to burst and the truth to come out in a cathartic exercise that will probably finally ensure that I move on?? Where the heck are you and what’s your story gonna be this time. Sweetie, at this rate you sure as heck had better make it rhyme.

The eeriness of what I feel is completely indescribable and maybe its the strangest and strongest answer to the prayers that I had raised and that He has heard and answered in the plainest, simplest and most raw form…Maybe its the cold splash of reality to wake me up of my idealistic reverie or maybe the suddenly sickening smell of the coffee.  Whichever which way…lesson learned.now just waiting for somebody to say ‘I told you so’…so that I can tell them…no need to, I learned my lesson all to clearly.

Yes…I was burned, but I call it a lesson learned!

13
Jul
09

Seeking the prosperity of….

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs enumerates 5 levels of mankind’s needs and desires to attaining a wholesome, complete, worthwhile and successful life. This, loosely translated in modern terminology – is prosperity. At the core of his theory is the physiological need and the epitome is the need for self-actualization.

Over the last 3 days, I’ve been challenged by various perspectives on what this prosperous life actually means; how it is actually attained and whether or not its actually something that I can achieve.

Undoubtedly, I have a lofty and grand purpose, God breathed, spirit guided and a massive responsibility which the more I try to achieve it by myself, with my own skills and abilities, the surer I am of failure. Its exciting and fulfilling to talk about, learn, deliberate and strategize about purpose and vision and the quality of life that awaits me once I attain ‘Self-Actualization/ But lets start from the very beginning, back to the basics as it were.

In the absence of my basic needs being met, and those of my family and the people in my sphere of influence’ how on earth can I expect to focus on achieving a sense of love/belonging, high self-esteem and respect, let alone the desired attainment of purpose of self-actualization How do I even begin to toy with the option of building solid and fulfilling relationships, spontaneously enjoying leisure, luxury and laughs when my basic needs (human rights) and personal security are at risk or are unavailable?

The universal Declaration of Human Rights established in 1948, begins by recognizing that ‘the inherent dignity and equal and inalienable rights of the human family is the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world’/ Prosperity is dependant and fundamentally only attainable when freedom, justice and peace are present in the world – essentially when all of mankind is guaranteed of the dignity that allows them to walk tall.

Strangely so however, the Declaration goes through over 20 different elements of human rights before it deals with the fundamentals – the essential ingredients of true dignity ‘ the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and wellbeing of himself and his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social service and the right to security…’

Personally , I am of the opinion that this is the reason why we face recurring global crises. The focus has not been on the basics, and the rallying call to work towards the attainment of the so-called ‘freedoms’ – movement, nationality, identity, property and justice etc – actually arrests any effort to focus on the facts and the reality of the need to restore dignity by providing and guaranteeing basic human needs.

To us, the question is placed – how do we seek the prosperity of the world? We all want world peace and prosperity; after all in the absence of this, we at the most basic unit of society (families and individuals) cannot thrive. But it is for this fundamental reason that the restoration of dignity must first be sought for the individuals.

Medicare/NHIF contributions for our housies, free meals, transport stipend, ensuring they have bank accounts and are contributing to some form of Social Security fund? Taking care of education for their kids, helping them ‘upskill’?? Praying for them? worrying about their spiritual and emotional well being? These are just a few thoughts…some starters… watch this space for more…

13
Jul
09

Winter cleaning

Its winter in my world.

Cold and gray and hermit tendencies abound. Generally it means self-imposed reflection, internal insulation and a stock take of the bare necessities that will keep me going long past this dark gray night and into the freshness of Spring , the passion of Summer and the maturity and reflection of Fall.

Is there such a thing as ‘Winter-cleaning’? Probably not.

Winter is generally the time when we pile on the layers and hibernate in the warmth of the baggage that has been accumulated over the months. But the layers suddenly are stifling and I’m finding it hard to sleep peacefully, let alone breathe. And since breathing is essential…I’m about to start the sorting, classifying and the cleaning. For some reason, It’s a little scary and daunting, though this is far from the first time that I am doing this. There is an impending sense of extreme significance of this period of winter-cleaning.

All I know is that I need to do this, learn from it, be moulded by it and move on from this season.

12
Jul
09

hey all???
Been a while…hope ur all good…pardon the absence, been going thru the archives and darkparts and found a few things…. I’d say enjoy…but if u did..ud be quite some sick and twisted friends seeing as this is a series of things that I have actually gone thru…

Trying to hold on to what I can so I find myself digging my feet into the ssand:hoping that the moon will save my heart from the force of the inevitable wave…at least for now, because I’m not certain that I know how I would deal with the truth, the unknown and the exTraction of a hearts desire.
The moon may not hear my cry, no matter how much I pray and hope and try and sweetly bat my eyelids and bare my soul. Nature has a way nay a mind of its own…and maybe she knows best.maybe she knows why she spoke to the wind that caused my eyes to tear, and to the moon that caused the tide to come in so near, and why the sun teasingly showed up behind the clouds neither warm nor shining nor proud…but waiting for her day an hour after her brightest hour, to eventually show me the way.

A.

24
Apr
09

denial…not a river in Africa

I spend way to much time in Denial. Basking by its banks, waiting to catch the rays of the sun, enjoy the sand, close my eyes and sigh. Denial has become my home, and my friend…its become what i do…I hadn’t even realised that that’s what I was doing…i’ve become THAT good at it.

I hadn’t even realised how much or rather how frequently I am in ‘denial’ until just now…just this very minute when things quietened down at work, when i popped in my headphones to the youtube worship songs that i have downloaded…when i decided to try and take a breather from this craziness that has been my day… and when i was still enough to really think about whats going on around me…and then i realised.

Workaholic denial – breather from craziness??? what does that even mean…the breather was that now i was gonna shut out the rest of the world, ie no phone calls, no emails from colleagues and no answering of questions…so that i can concentrate on some presentation that needs to be done …its 6:59PM on a thursday evening. I know full well that it can never all be done, and that the more i push myself…particularly with how Im feeling today..Im more likely to be unproductive…and thinking about JustDes & Eve having sushi without me…REALLY doesnt help.

Denial that I’m worried…I got some news at 10am today…and it hit me hard…2 minutes ago. I read the news, I got the news first hand…I could hear her pain and loneliness and frustration and I could hear the fear…and now is when it hits me. I just had a flashback of when I was in Canada and family was far and it felt like you were just floating around in space somewhere, and occasionally you would settle on the ground, have a laugh or two, act like it was okay and be wanted, popular, loved and needed for just a minute before retreating back to the reality that … if it wasn’t for God’s love…you probably wouldn’t be alive.
and today i heard that sadness in the voice of one of the strongest, smartest, sweetest albeit slightly drama-queenish, women i know… so much easier to be in Denial.

Denial that I don’t have all the answers, that I too am struggling with elements of my faith, that I do care what people think sometimes, even when i can write an entire dissertation on the importance and criticality of self-esteem, confidence and independence.

Denial that I am not living upto my full God-given potential everyday; whether in terms of my relationships, my health, my job, my spiritual life and activation of the same, my influencing of my society and my environment and my country.

Denial that I am to blame for some things that go wrong; Denial that I too will make mistakes; Denial that I like him and may never ever do anything about it because it may spoil whatever it is that we have right now; Denial that he may not be the one for me!

I’m thinking of changing abodes…moving away from Denial. No idea where I’m gonna go..but right now, being a vagabond would be sooo much better!

20
Apr
09

when…

when i close my eyes, i realise that who i see inside my dreams is who you purposed me to be. But no matter how hard i try, the moment that i open my eyes, what i see never seems to be quite like what u said i would be come.

come and rescue me, my lord and king from this place of emptiness and wondering, from this place of longing and tears and bless me with wisdom and patience and endurance as you mold and form and work me into the perfect form of clay, as you baptise me and as you breathe…into me …life and love and ..

When u call my name and talk to me, may i hear your will so carefully that i would never ever have to wonder what on earth am i here for; nor feel like i was made to live for so much more, have i lost myself…somewhere deep inside…somewhere we live inside…inside my…

Inside is where the problem is, now that i think about it, Cos i’ve worked on the appearance and the perception and the smile…they ALL would swear that this life that i live is just about perfect just as it is…but see Lord, they dont knw that without YOU and without YOUR love, without YOUR mercy and YOUR grace…there is no way I could ever lift my face and smile and knowt hat tomorrow will take me one step closer to the destiny and legacy that was crafted when you

formed me

when you planned me; when you blessed me; when you saved me; when you loved me so much that you literall died for me…

I just wish that they would know…but how…

and I just wish that they would realise…but WHEN?

15
Apr
09

reaspora

this weekend i attended a beautifully exquisite wedding in Molo, Kenya. There were all kinds of ‘firsts’…
First time I was at St Andrews Turi this decade, First time i was at a wedding where another woman was wearing MY dress! First time that i tasted a St Petersburg cocktail (lethal but amazing), First time that I saw so many reaspor-ites/potential reaspor-ite types in one place at a go…

First..let me not take credit for coining the term ‘reaspora’…i first heard about it from my boy D, but then decided to do abit more research (not cause i didn’t think he could come up with such a cool word…but you gotta give credit where it’s REALLY due..) and what I found was that reaspora is a movement that was born out of BarCamp Africa, Mountain View in October 2008

At Barcamp Africa a phrase was tossed about quite a bit referring to the trending of African expatriates returning back home to use their skills and money to better the continent. This idea of a reaspora is directly associated to neo Pan-Africanism. No one understands the region like Africans do and no one is inclined to help the region more than Africans.

Yesterday evening, I had dinner with a new friend from Bots via SA and we spent a long time talking about the dreams that our generation has for the continent. The privilege that we have to recreate hope and drive growth and opportunities on the continent because of our experience and exposure in the diaspora, the connections and relationships that we built and continue to build, both in the boardroom and over Sunset cocktails at weddings in Turi.

And as we talked, there was one thing that kept dawning on me.. its not going to be easy…

Its going to take hard work, sacrifice, resources, making mistakes and a very clear reality check to realise that we are really all going to have to pull together to make this work.

In 3.5 years, Kenyans will go back to the polls…some will not even bother voting because the last 1.5 years have been quite far from the display of promise, or of good African leadership that we hoped for. Still…some will wake up way too early in the morning and dip their thumb in ink that takes way too long to wash off. My hope is that the reaspor-ites will not wait for the 3.5years to come for them to realise that the time to make an impact is NOW, that they already have the skills, resources, connections and the passion to make a difference and to fix up what our current leaders have messed up and cannot fix.

I really don’t know why I am suddenly passionate about this, or maybe I’m just shocked at how long it has taken for my passion to be stirred about something BIGGER than me… but I’m glad I am…and I can’t wait to have the light bulb go off as to EXACTLY what my big picture role in this whole Neo-Panafrican Movement is…

Care to join?